I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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