I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
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Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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