Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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