Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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