today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
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Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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