I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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