You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
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He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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