Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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