I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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