The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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Just high enough for therapy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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