Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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