Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
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Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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