My sheets look like a crime scene.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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