my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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