You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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