please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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