Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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