oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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