I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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