Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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