the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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