Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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