I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize