Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This toilet bowl is my home.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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