he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
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Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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