Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
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