you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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