We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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