it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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