I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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