I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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