she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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