If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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