I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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