To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize