I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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