My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
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I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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