how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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