how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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