i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
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you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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