My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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