I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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