Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
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A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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