Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize