You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
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It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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