I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize