He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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