It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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