you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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