If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom said you looked used
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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